Godly Sorrow

In Christ I am SHE {Saved. Hopeful. Empowered.}

Real Solutions for Overcoming Discouragement, Rejection and the Blues [pt. 2]

Today we will look at “part 2” of Norman Wright’s book, Real Solutions for Overcoming Discouragement, Rejection and the Blues. In “part 1” we looked at Relationship Depression, #1 An Out-of-Balance Relationship and #2 The Rescuing Relationship (link given) https://inchristiamshe.com/2018/07/25/5620/ and today we are going to look at:

3. THE “REFORMING” RELATIONSHIP

Another relationship that fuels relationship depression is one in which the other person is not what you want him or her to be, or what you had hoped for, yet you find yourself thinking, But he had such great potential! You set yourself up for disappointment. And you find yourself holding onto false hope for change.

Remember, you can’t reshape and reconstruct another person to this degree.

I’ve seen people in marriages like this. They end up frustrated, critical, and feeling betrayed and hopelessly trapped. They would beg, plead, shout, and threaten their spouse, but to no avail. Discouragement? It’s a constant companion.

Why do people continue in such relationships?

  • Some people feel called to be reformers.
  • They like to reshape others, or at least try to.
  • In doing so they ease the pain of looking at some of the issues in their own lives.
  • I’ve seen both men and women do this to avoid their own problems.

4. CONTROLLING RELATIONSHIPS

Some controllers and perfectionists are always trying to “help others fulfill their potential.” This makes for a relationship that has low potential—when one person is full of anger and controlling tendencies or is a practicing perfectionist. In a marriage the unpleasantness quotient is quiet high.

Perhaps the person you are in a relationship with isn’t a perfectionist but just a controller. You will probably feel the same pressure with this type of person as you would with a perfectionist.

Both men and women use control to protect themselves from imagined concerns.

  • Their use of concern is part of their survival system.
  • They believe that “the best defense is an offense”—the offensive strategy of staying in control.
  • They live in fear of the results and consequences of not being in control.
  • They’re afraid of rejection, abandonment, hurt, disappointment, and of losing control itself.
  • They may also be addicted to the respect, power, or emotional rush they get from controlling others. (they feed off of control)

Controlling tendencies are an integral part of their personality.

Some have even said, “I know I control. But why not?…” That’s sad. It can destroy people as well as relationships.

You may be thinking, I know a number of relationships and marriages where one of them is a perfectionist or a controller. They’re still together. It’s working for them! But is it? “Staying together” is not the same as having a relationship in which both individuals have the freedom to grow, to be all that God wants them to be, and to be comfortable with each other. If perfectionists or controllers can learn to give up these false bases for security, then growth can occur. But the work needs to begin before marriage.

Real Solutions for Overcoming Discouragement, Rejection and the Blues by H. Norman Wright | Excerpts taken from Chapter 8—page 99 to 109. Beware of Relationships that Lead to Discouragement & the Blue


I Corinthians 5:11 says this,

  • (NASB) “But actually, I wrote to you not to associate with any so-called brother if he is an immoral person, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or a swindler—not even to eat with such a one.”
  • (AMP) “But actually, I have written to you not to associate with any so-called [Christian] brother if he is sexually immoral or greedy, or is an idolater [devoted to anything that takes the place of God], or is a reviler [who insults or slanders or otherwise verbally abuses others], or is a drunkard or a swindler—you must not so much as eat with such a person.”
  • (CEB) “But now I’m writing to you not to associate with anyone who calls themselves “brother” or “sister” who is sexually immoral, greedy, someone who worships false gods, an abusive person, a drunk, or a swindler. Don’t even eat with anyone like this.”

 

From Me to You…

  • If you are the one creating a toxic relationship, you can stop, but not in your own strength. Habits died hard, but with God all things are possible, when through Christ that habit is fought, broken, then replaced.
  • Seek out your pastor, or a godly (same sex) individual in whom you can trust that is grounded in the Word themselves and speak with them about your concerns/your sin. Ask them if they would be willing to help you. But most of all be honest about your own sin before God. Confess your sin before Him and ask—no plead with Him to remove and fill you with Himself so that you may love and treat others the way God would require and desire of you.
  • If you are in a toxic relationship, be in prayer about what the LORD would have of you to do. We must understand something here that ALL verbal, emotional, mental, physical abuse are just that, ABUSE! They are toxic!

If you don’t know where to start, seek out your pastor or a godly (same sex) individual in whom you can trust that is grounded in the Word themselves and speak with them about your concerns that you are seeing and ask them if they would be willing to help you. Most of all, be honest (forthright) about your situation, about yourself, and the person with whom you have a toxic relationship with—don’t exaggerate, don’t sugar coat it, be honest with God, your counselor and yourself.

Toxic relationships are everywhere! In the world and among Christians; within “Christian homes” and within those who do not know Christ. It is wrong. It is SIN! It is against God, against His Word, and against everything God desires/requires for us in becoming like Christ.

We need to start calling toxic relationships what they are, SIN! We need to see it as God sees it and stop justifying our sinful behaviour.

What do you do when you think you are in a toxic relationship?

  1. Be in prayer. I mean serious prayer. I mean, get on your knees, fast and pray and seek the Lord, plead with Him first and foremost for guidance and direction, “God show me what I must do!” The Bible says, when you seek Me (God) you will find me, but we must seek Him–that is doing our part, God will do His part.
  2. As you pray, seek the Lord if there be any sin in you. If He shows you, confess and forsake it. If you need to ask another to forgive you, do so. God is in the business of forgiveness. He loves you! But I must also put a warning here: Be very careful here! Own your own sin. We know we all it, but be very careful, especially in toxic relationships to not be carrying or taking on “false guilt”—in other words, do not own someone else’s sins for them. If you have been sinned against, your abuser needs to come to you and ask for your forgiveness (Matt. 18), not the other way around.
  3. If you are in a toxic—physically abuse relationship, seek safety! I know this can be easier said than done many times, but please, no one has the right to treat you, harm you, handle your temple (your body) with disgrace, degrading humiliation, or use you for self-gratification. If you are being physically harmed, call 9-11. You are God’s. You are a treasure. You are not an object to be used. You are God’s masterpiece created in His image — and that goes for whatever “abuse” you may be facing today!!

Toxic relationships influence us in deep, physcial, spiritual, harmful ways. If not dealt with, we ourselves could repeat the cycle. We always come back to what we know IF we do not replace it with the TRUTHS of God’s Word…always!

This is where finding someone who is grounded in the Word of God will be able to help you through those affects. Believe me, I know. The process is hard, joyful, tear-filled, yet if you are willing it so worth every step in the healing process, from the inside–out. I can tell you (from experience) that when that time comes, forgiveness is given to your abuser, (if possible confronting your abuser), the chains, the weight of bondage that you have been carrying will be lifted off. I remember very well my day — when my bondage came lifting off my shoulders. It was like millions of pounds being lifted off and I was free! Finally free, never to return again! The baggage was his to carry, not mine! He was the offender, not me! I never heard a “please forgive me” but I forgave, never looking or clinging back, and by God’s healing power I am free!

Freedom only comes through Christ!

You can have it! The first step is the hardest.

Side note on taking advice from others:

  • Many folks, even well intended folks, have their opinions, but if I may encourage you in something here—seek the kingdom of God above all else! Opinions, when not grounded in the Word of God, lead to confusion and who is the author of confusion, the devil! Stay away!!!!

Keep your eyes, your mind, your heart, your soul in the Word of God—as many times a day as you need! The Lord will show you if you ask Him! Toxic relationships are no laughing matter—they are a serious issue, and must be taken seriously! Dealt with seriously.

  • Be wise in your outside advisors. Find someone whose soul, mind, eyes, heart is anchored to the Word and God and only sees Christ, not their opinion—and you have found a gem! Opinions will only confuse you. God way is best!
  • Find a church where they preach the Word of God. Where you can get grounded and be helped to get grounded in the Word of God. Join a Bible Study that is a Bible Study — one that studies the Bible and is not a gossip center. When you join a Bible Study you should be learning about the Bible, growing in your understanding of the Bible and when you are done…you should know more of the Bible then when you started; building upon each laying of God’s Word in your life, not opinions.

Remember, You cannot free yourself. You cannot free your toxic relationship. Freedom comes only through Christ.

One last glorious truth: Once you have been freed in Christ you are now in a place, a useable God-place, to be used of God to do whatever He so would require—and many times He slowly gives you others so that you may share your awesome life-God-lessons of freedom with others. It’s called, YOUR STORY! He loves your story and it is precious and special because you have said “yes, Lord!” There are so many out there who need to hear God & you!

Blessings my friends. GOD LOVES YOU!

In Christ I am SHE {Saved. Hopeful. Empowered.}

Probadly Not a Popular Subject but a Needed One | the Results Outweigh This World’s

God’s Word is so precious, isn’t it? This morning I sit here writing in silence; the house is quiet with sleeping children and the rain is falling so gently the sounds are so inviting. My quiet time with the Lord has been very sweet this morning!

I love to journal, so I started there because my mind was filled with other thoughts that needed to “come out” so that my mind would be clear once the Word was opened. The coffee is made. I started in Colossians, but the Lord redirected me to Ephesians, specifically chapter 4. Now I am no theologian, that is my husband’s domain, but when I read Ephesians 4:11-16 my mind and heart suddenly became very God-stirred to the point of needing to write…write a not so popular topic at that, but a much needed one.

I don’t know about you, but it breaks my heart when a child of God chooses to live their life in bitterness, unforgiveness, and resentment – which is really choosing to live a life in opposition against God. I know the struggle is real. I have struggled myself on different occasions with all three, yet by God’s grace He has ripped those roots out of my life then set me free (which He can do the same for you), but it’s a choice.

One cannot walk in sin and claim their relationship with Christ as intimate – it is an oxymoron, a no-can-do! Sin always hinders your relationship with Christ; it is never His fault. He is holy.

Just one symptom of choice that breeds bitterness, resentment (which go hand in hand) and unforgiveness is unresolved issues via the topic of “Church.” Now any “unresolved” issue will breed bitterness, resentment, unforgiveness, but today we are being specific.

The “church” topic is a hot one, yet I find it is mainly amongst those who claim Christ; those who have “church” baggage. Now before we launch off (or you turn me off), I know there are some out there who truly have had some horrible experiences – sadly they happen within the church, for this I am not excusing or accepting what others have wrongly done to you. I pray that you have been biblically guided, cared for, and walked with and most of all (you) have chosen to walk in obedience to Christ – whatever the offense(s) done to you have been. Be careful what you choose to hold onto it — it will change your life either way.

Specifically, we are talking about the matter of our own heart. Are we striving to walk in obedience before God – in all things? We need to grasp, that before a righteous and holy God no excuse, no experience, no situation, no word spoken to us here on Earth will be our defense to use as justification for our disobedience. God cares more about your heart, your choices, whether or not you choose to walk in obedience to Him or not in this earthly life, even through the toughest valleys.

In conversations, so often when “church or church membership” or “I use to go to church” or “I’ve been hurt by so many churches” come up, we usually quote, “not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching (Hebrews 10:25). This is a fabulous verse! So True. Clear and to the point. Yet, rejected by many. Thankfully, obeyed by many.

But read with me in Ephesians, “And He gave some as apostle, and some as prophets, and some as evangelists, and some as pastors and teachers, for the equipping of the saints for the work of service, to the building up of the body of Christ; until we all attain to the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a mature man, to the measure of the stature which belongs to the fullness of Christ. As a result, we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming; but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects in Him who is the head, even Christ, from whom the whole body, being fitted and held together by what every joint supplies, according to the proper working of each individual part, causes the growth of the body for the building up of itself in love.

  • Praise the Lord for Pastor’s who weekly bring the Word to us – some 4+ times a week, for their love for Christ, their God-calling to feed the sheep, and to share Christ.
  • Praise the Lord for Evangelists who preach the Word of God –sharing the Good news of Jesus Christ.
  • Praise the Lord for the gift of teachers. Those who have a love-burden to share Christ with others of all ages.
    • The Result: Through the love labors of God’s servants, they are a God-blessing to you, saint! Don’t muzzle the ox. You have been given this gift from God, to help in your equipping you in your God-service. This is the working in God’s work, for the building up of the body of Christ…until Jesus Christ returns! Isn’t that so precious. What a gift to be given! Thank your Pastor. Thank God for your Pastor
    • The Result: So, we do not act like little children any more – because our flesh will want too. Praise the Lord to have such a gift to aid us in our growth in Christ, to help us grow in the Word so that we are not so easily influenced, or deceived by the world’s craftiness, so that we are not ‘carried away’ but rather grounded in the Truth. What a blessing!
    • The Result: Because of being taught in the Word, and the Word changing us, we grow in ALL aspects of Christ. Our spiritual growth should be daily, because our relationship with Christ is personal. Coming together as a body of Christ magnifies the beauty of Christ and He fits every joint together as One.
    • The Result: By growing in all aspects in Christ, who is the head, the whole body (the church) is filled and held together by each believer (each joint – each God gift) according to the proper working of each individual part which (this is so beautiful) CAUSES THE GROWTH OF THE BODY (the church) TO BUILD UP ITSELF UP IN LOVE.
    • The Result: If we lived our life in Christ, His Church, God’s way – our lives, His church would be fabulous!
    • God’s plan works! The question is are we willing to obey?

Whatever excuses you have used to not obey God, to not go to a Bible preaching church, to stay home or do other things, to not become a member (to commit yourself) of a local Bible preaching church (in Acts they were baptized and added to the church daily), to not serve God with the God-gifts He has given you, to not worship God — have no merit before God. It is not that He doesn’t love you, it is because He loves you!

Excuses are just that, excuses. God doesn’t want your sacrifices or your works, He wants YOU! Your heart – your life, your ALL! He gave us His all, His life – who are we to think we can claim this life as “mine”?

If you find yourself in the camp of bitterness, resentment, unforgiveness, or find yourself clinging onto something rather than walking in peace, obedience, and life in Christ you need to seek God first — confess these things before Him, ask Him to forgive you and create in you a clean heart and renew a right spirit within you (Psalm 51:10). Seek out someone who can Biblically help you through this these heart-idol that keep you in bondage. To not resolve them Biblically is your choice of self-cannibalism. There is freedom in Christ. The Truth does set you free (John 8:32).

  • Nowhere in Scripture does God justify or state it is okay for us to claim Christ and walk in disobedience to Him.
  • Nowhere will you find God telling us it is okay not to serve Him, not love Him, not obey Him, not to put Him first and that He is okay with second place, not to use our talents in the ‘body of Christ’ (the church), not to put on Christlikeness and walking in our flesh is justified. It is not found anywhere in Scripture!

I lovingly tell you, whatever excuses you think are valid before God that justify your disobedience do not stand before Christ! We must take responsibility – by God’s grace confess, forsake, and work through the areas the Lord points out in your soul for you to begin to walk in accordance to His will. Scripture says, if you seek Him you will find Him (Jeremiah 29:13). Fulfilling His purposes are far more valuable than anything this world could offer.

Life is short. What we do here on Earth both matters now and for eternity. We do not know when our last breath will be, that is not to live in fear, but to live – to live in the fullness of Christ! God rightfully deserves our worship, praise, honor, and reverence. He desires our growth and best.

I want to tell you a little secret, I do not go to church because I am a Christian. I do not go to church because I am a pastor’s wife. I go to church because I desperately NEED God (without Him I am nothing, I can do nothing) my soul needs Christ and the Word! I go to church because I love God (I am a sinner saved by His amazing grace)!

How about you?

  • Don’t use others sinfulness to justify your own sin.
  • The choice to love and obey Christ far outweighs the losses you would face if you chose to use sin as a weapon.
  • Don’t take my word for it, search the Scriptures! Trust God!

Enjoy Christ. He loves you. We need to look no further than the Cross. Praying for you, friend!

In Christ I am SHE {Saved. Hopeful. Empowered.}

Pride vs. Brokenness {pt 3}

In Christ I am SHE {Saved. Hopeful. Empowered.}