Real Solutions for Overcoming Discouragement, Rejection and the Blues [pt. 2]

Today we will look at “part 2” of Norman Wright’s book, Real Solutions for Overcoming Discouragement, Rejection and the Blues. In “part 1” we looked at Relationship Depression, #1 An Out-of-Balance Relationship and #2 The Rescuing Relationship (link given) https://inchristiamshe.com/2018/07/25/5620/ and today we are going to look at:

3. THE “REFORMING” RELATIONSHIP

Another relationship that fuels relationship depression is one in which the other person is not what you want him or her to be, or what you had hoped for, yet you find yourself thinking, But he had such great potential! You set yourself up for disappointment. And you find yourself holding onto false hope for change.

Remember, you can’t reshape and reconstruct another person to this degree.

I’ve seen people in marriages like this. They end up frustrated, critical, and feeling betrayed and hopelessly trapped. They would beg, plead, shout, and threaten their spouse, but to no avail. Discouragement? It’s a constant companion.

Why do people continue in such relationships?

  • Some people feel called to be reformers.
  • They like to reshape others, or at least try to.
  • In doing so they ease the pain of looking at some of the issues in their own lives.
  • I’ve seen both men and women do this to avoid their own problems.

4. CONTROLLING RELATIONSHIPS

Some controllers and perfectionists are always trying to “help others fulfill their potential.” This makes for a relationship that has low potential—when one person is full of anger and controlling tendencies or is a practicing perfectionist. In a marriage the unpleasantness quotient is quiet high.

Perhaps the person you are in a relationship with isn’t a perfectionist but just a controller. You will probably feel the same pressure with this type of person as you would with a perfectionist.

Both men and women use control to protect themselves from imagined concerns.

  • Their use of concern is part of their survival system.
  • They believe that “the best defense is an offense”—the offensive strategy of staying in control.
  • They live in fear of the results and consequences of not being in control.
  • They’re afraid of rejection, abandonment, hurt, disappointment, and of losing control itself.
  • They may also be addicted to the respect, power, or emotional rush they get from controlling others. (they feed off of control)

Controlling tendencies are an integral part of their personality.

Some have even said, “I know I control. But why not?…” That’s sad. It can destroy people as well as relationships.

You may be thinking, I know a number of relationships and marriages where one of them is a perfectionist or a controller. They’re still together. It’s working for them! But is it? “Staying together” is not the same as having a relationship in which both individuals have the freedom to grow, to be all that God wants them to be, and to be comfortable with each other. If perfectionists or controllers can learn to give up these false bases for security, then growth can occur. But the work needs to begin before marriage.

Real Solutions for Overcoming Discouragement, Rejection and the Blues by H. Norman Wright | Excerpts taken from Chapter 8—page 99 to 109. Beware of Relationships that Lead to Discouragement & the Blue


I Corinthians 5:11 says this,

  • (NASB) “But actually, I wrote to you not to associate with any so-called brother if he is an immoral person, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or a swindler—not even to eat with such a one.”
  • (AMP) “But actually, I have written to you not to associate with any so-called [Christian] brother if he is sexually immoral or greedy, or is an idolater [devoted to anything that takes the place of God], or is a reviler [who insults or slanders or otherwise verbally abuses others], or is a drunkard or a swindler—you must not so much as eat with such a person.”
  • (CEB) “But now I’m writing to you not to associate with anyone who calls themselves “brother” or “sister” who is sexually immoral, greedy, someone who worships false gods, an abusive person, a drunk, or a swindler. Don’t even eat with anyone like this.”

 

From Me to You…

  • If you are the one creating a toxic relationship, you can stop, but not in your own strength. Habits died hard, but with God all things are possible, when through Christ that habit is fought, broken, then replaced.
  • Seek out your pastor, or a godly (same sex) individual in whom you can trust that is grounded in the Word themselves and speak with them about your concerns/your sin. Ask them if they would be willing to help you. But most of all be honest about your own sin before God. Confess your sin before Him and ask—no plead with Him to remove and fill you with Himself so that you may love and treat others the way God would require and desire of you.
  • If you are in a toxic relationship, be in prayer about what the LORD would have of you to do. We must understand something here that ALL verbal, emotional, mental, physical abuse are just that, ABUSE! They are toxic!

If you don’t know where to start, seek out your pastor or a godly (same sex) individual in whom you can trust that is grounded in the Word themselves and speak with them about your concerns that you are seeing and ask them if they would be willing to help you. Most of all, be honest (forthright) about your situation, about yourself, and the person with whom you have a toxic relationship with—don’t exaggerate, don’t sugar coat it, be honest with God, your counselor and yourself.

Toxic relationships are everywhere! In the world and among Christians; within “Christian homes” and within those who do not know Christ. It is wrong. It is SIN! It is against God, against His Word, and against everything God desires/requires for us in becoming like Christ.

We need to start calling toxic relationships what they are, SIN! We need to see it as God sees it and stop justifying our sinful behaviour.

What do you do when you think you are in a toxic relationship?

  1. Be in prayer. I mean serious prayer. I mean, get on your knees, fast and pray and seek the Lord, plead with Him first and foremost for guidance and direction, “God show me what I must do!” The Bible says, when you seek Me (God) you will find me, but we must seek Him–that is doing our part, God will do His part.
  2. As you pray, seek the Lord if there be any sin in you. If He shows you, confess and forsake it. If you need to ask another to forgive you, do so. God is in the business of forgiveness. He loves you! But I must also put a warning here: Be very careful here! Own your own sin. We know we all it, but be very careful, especially in toxic relationships to not be carrying or taking on “false guilt”—in other words, do not own someone else’s sins for them. If you have been sinned against, your abuser needs to come to you and ask for your forgiveness (Matt. 18), not the other way around.
  3. If you are in a toxic—physically abuse relationship, seek safety! I know this can be easier said than done many times, but please, no one has the right to treat you, harm you, handle your temple (your body) with disgrace, degrading humiliation, or use you for self-gratification. If you are being physically harmed, call 9-11. You are God’s. You are a treasure. You are not an object to be used. You are God’s masterpiece created in His image — and that goes for whatever “abuse” you may be facing today!!

Toxic relationships influence us in deep, physcial, spiritual, harmful ways. If not dealt with, we ourselves could repeat the cycle. We always come back to what we know IF we do not replace it with the TRUTHS of God’s Word…always!

This is where finding someone who is grounded in the Word of God will be able to help you through those affects. Believe me, I know. The process is hard, joyful, tear-filled, yet if you are willing it so worth every step in the healing process, from the inside–out. I can tell you (from experience) that when that time comes, forgiveness is given to your abuser, (if possible confronting your abuser), the chains, the weight of bondage that you have been carrying will be lifted off. I remember very well my day — when my bondage came lifting off my shoulders. It was like millions of pounds being lifted off and I was free! Finally free, never to return again! The baggage was his to carry, not mine! He was the offender, not me! I never heard a “please forgive me” but I forgave, never looking or clinging back, and by God’s healing power I am free!

Freedom only comes through Christ!

You can have it! The first step is the hardest.

Side note on taking advice from others:

  • Many folks, even well intended folks, have their opinions, but if I may encourage you in something here—seek the kingdom of God above all else! Opinions, when not grounded in the Word of God, lead to confusion and who is the author of confusion, the devil! Stay away!!!!

Keep your eyes, your mind, your heart, your soul in the Word of God—as many times a day as you need! The Lord will show you if you ask Him! Toxic relationships are no laughing matter—they are a serious issue, and must be taken seriously! Dealt with seriously.

  • Be wise in your outside advisors. Find someone whose soul, mind, eyes, heart is anchored to the Word and God and only sees Christ, not their opinion—and you have found a gem! Opinions will only confuse you. God way is best!
  • Find a church where they preach the Word of God. Where you can get grounded and be helped to get grounded in the Word of God. Join a Bible Study that is a Bible Study — one that studies the Bible and is not a gossip center. When you join a Bible Study you should be learning about the Bible, growing in your understanding of the Bible and when you are done…you should know more of the Bible then when you started; building upon each laying of God’s Word in your life, not opinions.

Remember, You cannot free yourself. You cannot free your toxic relationship. Freedom comes only through Christ.

One last glorious truth: Once you have been freed in Christ you are now in a place, a useable God-place, to be used of God to do whatever He so would require—and many times He slowly gives you others so that you may share your awesome life-God-lessons of freedom with others. It’s called, YOUR STORY! He loves your story and it is precious and special because you have said “yes, Lord!” There are so many out there who need to hear God & you!

Blessings my friends. GOD LOVES YOU!

In Christ I am SHE {Saved. Hopeful. Empowered.}

Offense: Ready or Not Here They Come {revised}

Have you ever wondered why believers in Jesus Christ make living the Christian life harder than it needs to be?  I do.

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Before you come to any conclusions that somehow I have a handle on it, I am just as guilty – for the same sinful flesh rears its ugly head within me as it does in anyone who does not daily walk with their Lord. If you are honest with yourself, you’d agree – because it has happened to you as well.

  I recently read a post (on a certain social media site) of an individual who was seriously contemplating leaving their church due to the stupidity of words from another human being. I know how sad, right? Or not?

Before I continue let’s clarify an area of grave importance – there is never a time nor a place where the deed of gossip should be present in the heart or on the tongue of a believer; nor is it “fun” to those on the receiving end.  Therefore, if you are a believer and I mean –  a claimer of Christ as personal Lord and Savior – being a gossiper or listener of gossip ought never to be present in your life.

Before the Throne of God, vitriolic words period are never tolerated nor should they live amongst one believer to another. It is just that simple. Gossip is sin. Sadly, this very act was what had happened to this dear soul in the post I read days ago.

Gossip is SIN!

Now that we have a clear understanding that gossip is both sinful and harmful to all those involved, I am baffled how those who claim Christ justify their choice of disobedience to God yet still claim their love to Him.  How can this be?

Walk with me here for a moment or two as I explain:

SCENE:  Gossip occurs. You get wind of it though the grapevine. You have a choice…

Difference between information and transformation WOWYou react in becoming justified in your hurt. Your response reveals the treasure of your heart. The inward heart response lashes outwardly via the flesh and thus reaction take place – justification of self opts out of obedience to God.

What has happened?

An individual has chosen to turn and walk away from God due to the fallacies of others. 

Does this even make any sense?

Most of us would answer ‘NO!’ yet 9.99% of us have done this very thing at least once in our lifetime.

This is where I question – Why?

Why was I reading such a post from an individual I knew well?

Why would we, as sons and daughter of God, who know that we are individually responsible and commanded to obey the Word of God choose to disobey?  Thinking of my friends post, if you are not familiar with it, in Hebrews it says that, “we are to not forsake the assembling of ourselves together” (10:25).  Is this not a God-command to be obeyed?

Question:

Is it ever justified to seriously contemplate leaving the church and take a break from God due to the stupidity of another?

There is NO verse to claim for such a justification. It does not fit in accordance to the Scripture — GOD’S WORD, does it?

Despite your or my personal view on accountability, responsibility, submission, and obedience (regardless of whether you are right or wrong – Scriptural or not), this you can be sure of – God said that you will stand before Him one day give an account (see the Revelation for starters) – that is a guarantee.  It is impossible for God to break His own Word.

It is foolishness to think we could live so flipped over our God-given responsibility of walking in obedience by establishing our own self-justification by blaming others. This my friend is not spiritual maturity or strength but rather our own lack of spiritual backbone (it is spiritual weakness) – living in the FLESH can never respond in the SPIRIT…never!   

You will never hear God say, “It’s okay to disobey my Word.”


 IT IS TIME TO TAKE ACTION

{God-centered & Christ-focused}

     It is time we seriously rethink our own thinking, our position – and/or our reactions towards those who sin against us regardless of whatever offense it may be.  In the New Testament is clearly states that “when” those offenses come; not “if” they come. This can only happen if we are preparing beforehand.

Living a carnal Christian life yet claiming our love for God is impossible.

It brings no pleasure to God nor is biblical.

{How do we handle sinful offenses?}


Are we to genocide our obedience to God because of the sinfulness of others? I think not!

  • Why lay aside what we know is the WAY the TRUTH and the LIFE and except the lies from the pit of deception and allow our own sinful flesh over the One & Only true and Holy God?
  • In God’s gracious love and mercy He created us with an intellect – emotion – and will.  We are not robots. We are free to choose. If we choose to take the route of rejecting God – the very truth of God’s Word – and not live by faith on His promises through His Word, then we have chosen to reject our Lord. We live a carnal, cold to lukewarm life. The end result: we live in sin. We cannot say before God or others “We love God” when our actions and words tell or show Him otherwise.

Matthew 18:7 “Woe to the world because of its stumbling blocks! For it is inevitable that stumbling blocks come; but woe to that man through whom the stumbling block comes!”  (see Luke 17)

Matthew 18:15-21 “15 Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. 16 But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. 17 And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican. 18 Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. 19 Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching anything that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven. 20 For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.  21 Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? 22 Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.”

In handling an offense directed toward us, God has wonderfully prescribed the proper method in handling such issues.

  1. Be in prayerful consideration before you go to your offender. Be on your knees before your God. Plead with Him to change your heart first, then prepare your mouth to speak, your heart to be ready to resolve, and a willingness to forgive your offender. (Matthew 6:33; Jeremiah 33:3; Proverbs 3:5-6; Psalm 51; Psalm 56:3; and a thousand more verses to help, support, and encourage your soul.)
  2. Go to the individual that offended you alone in private first. If your safety is in question, please do not go alone. (Matthew 18)
  3. Do not “broadcast” your situation to others or try to create sympathy or a following from others. Is it okay to ask for counsel? YES – Godly counsel is the best but when you “broadcast” you are gossiping. Do not vent your issue to parties who are not involved.
  4. Be honest in your conversation; do not use anger to get your sought result. Allow God to be your vindicator. If your offender is defensive, your God given calmness and tone of voice with His peace will rule over the situation regardless of the outcome.
  5. Reconciliation is the goal. Stand firm in the Lord and His leading. Do not back down on reproving and/or rebuking the behavior or offense(s) that have occurred. Do not be offensive while doing so for this only fuels strife – this is where you will see your time in prayer rules and the power of God’s preparation in you is at work. God will empower you! Seek to gain the brother or sister (reconcile and restore the relationship) rather than to take revenge.
  6. Be aware of your own heart being oversensitive and/or insensitive on the part of the person. Do not over exaggerate or under exaggerate.  Tell the truth!

To see first hand the wondering working HEALING power of God in you is indescribable. Don’t underestimate God in you! You are 100% indwelled with the power of the Holy Spirit!

  • Use this opportunity to seek to grow in spiritual maturity in Christ. Be prayerful and sensitive in how you approach. Be ready to respond and deal with each situation with meekness, God-boldness, reliance and humility in Christ. Be careful about how you treat one another especially when you know how it feels. Seek to treat others as you would wish to be treated – with kindness and respect.
  • Ask for God’s grace to develop the spiritual vision to see offenses coming and not be drawn into them; but rather have the wisdom and grace to handle them and bring Him glory through them. Remember to pray for God’s grace to discern how to respond in a godly way to each specific situations and to each specific person.

The MILLION DOLLAR QUESTION:

“What If?” the offender doesn’t take responsibility for their actions or ask you to forgiveness them – What should I do?

If the problem remains unresolved, take one or two people with you as witnesses “that every word may be established.” The integrity of “objective” witnesses are important in this step. The key word here is “objective witnesses” – these folks will truly help you (for they will tell you when you are doing right or wrong and will help you in the situation you find yourself in with God’s Word). Don’t ask witnesses who only side with you – ask a person or persons whom you trust and that has a solid walk with God. You want people surrounding you that will help you spiritually!

Always remember that the goal is not for you to win or get justice, but to “gain your brother or sister”, by reconciling the relationship.

If the matter is still unresolved, then it must be taken to the church. Hopefully you have already sought the wise counsel of your Pastor. When you come to this stage, you cannot take the matter to the church without your Pastor’s knowledge or guidance in the situation. His wisdom and leadership in of great value and resource – tap into that God-given Shepherd resource! Your Pastor is also a great example of a “witness”.

When the offence is of a nature that it requires this serious measure we must remember that the goal is still reconciliation (to “win the person” back to appropriate fellowship). Telling it to the church would involve taking the matter to spiritual leadership.

Remember above all to stand firm on God Word and His promises. Come boldly to the Lord in prayer and seek His face!  See to the glory of God. 

{Conclusion of the Matter}

I happily report that a couple days later I read another post concerning the individual I spoke of in the beginning. It read of many thanks to those who commented and rejoiced in the outcome that had taken place for the gossiper (or slanderer) repented of what they had said and done then asked for forgiveness. My friend freely gave forgiveness back and the relationship/fellowship was restored. PRAISE THE LORD!!!

Seeing the wondering working power of the LORD!  Can I hear an AMEN!

In Christ I am SHE  {Saved. Hopeful. Empowered}