Real Solutions for Overcoming Discouragement, Rejection and the Blues
by H. Norman Wright
Relationships are all around us. We think about them, talk about them, and experience them. We were created to be in relationships, and most of our lives are spent in various relationships. Take them away, and our existence becomes sterile. They have the potential for happiness and fulfillment but also for discouragement and depression.
We need to consider healthy and unhealthy relationships.
- Where do people experience the most painful rejections?
- Where is it really easy to become discouraged?
- What kind of relationships foster depression?
There’s one factor to be considered when examining a relationship, no matter at what level the relationship exists. A relationship is going to be either a depleting or a replenishing one.
A depleting relationship is one in which you are with someone who drains you emotionally and spiritually. It taps into your energy reserves in some way. Being around this type of person is just plain work. At first the relationship may seem workable, but soon it becomes an exercise in depletion and coping. And the result can be discouragement or depression.
Relationship depression is the phrase used to describe the results of a depleting relationship. It’s used to describe the sad or angry feelings caused by relational conflicts and disappointments; it also refers to the absence of a meaningful relationship. Sometimes relationship depression occurs because of our own low self-esteem, poor choices, or lack or interpersonal skills or because of carefully hidden deficits in those we’ve chosen.
VARIETIES OF UNHEALTHY REALTIONSHIPS
1. AN OUT-OF-BALANCE-RELATIONSHIP
This is one where you care more for the other person than that person cares about you. Or vice versa. Either way, the relationship is out of balance. It’s tilting. One pursues while the other wants to pull back. A constant diet of this is unhealthy.
You may think that this contrast in how you respond to each other simply indicates differences in your personalities. Perhaps, but it may also be lack of interest or caring.
It’s difficult to admit that you may care more for the other person than he or she does for you. When you think about it, you get a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach. And then you may rationalize yourself out of accepting the facts, or you may move into a state of denial.
What are some indications that a relationship is a mismatch—that you have a higher level of interest in the relationship than the one you care about?
- You initiate most of the contact in the relationship.
- If this in a romantic attachment, you initiate most if the affectionate advances, such as holding hands, hugging, kissing.
- You’re the plan maker; the other just seems to go along.
- You sacrifice to do things for the other or make life more agreeable, but you don’t see this reciprocated.
- You’re excited about the relationship, while the other person just seems to be along for the ride.
- You talk about your relationship and possible future plans, but this strikes an unresponsive chord with your partner.
If this is the pattern, the initiator’s positive attitude will erode in time, the other’s nonresponsiveness being experienced as a form of rejection.
Could this be just differences in personalities? Possibly. But if so, you can expect the person to be this way for the long term. Is this disparity what you want? Whether it’s a personality difference or the other person really doesn’t care as much as you do, either way, you’ll eventually get weary of being the initiator.
2. THE RESCUING RELATIONSHIP
Some people never tire of being rescuers. They live for it. Yet there’s a problem with that. A relationship is not going to work if either one of you habitually rescues the other.
In a healthy relationship, you want to be there for the other person, and the other person want to be there for you. But a relationship isn’t healthy if you’re the one who is always there for your partner, and he’s like a ghost when you need him.
If you rescue others, what do you expect from them? Thanks, appreciation, perhaps even reciprocation? But in a close relationship, you’ll often find this response nonexistent—especially if your partner is a taker. Why? When you rescue others, you’re exerting some type of control over them. In time they may end us resenting you for it. The unspoken, subtle message conveyed to them is “I’m better than you are, and you’re not capable of handling things yourself.” They could get discouraged and so will you.
Rescuers repeat this pattern with different partners. They seem to be attracted to people who need them. (Rescuers and the one being rescued vibe off one other–it can end up becoming a love hate relationship.)
Next time we will talk about the THE “REFORMING” RELATIONSHIP, CONTROLLING RELATIONSHIPS, then THE TROPHY RELATIONSHIP and THE ANGRY RELATIONSHIP.
Excerpts taken from Chapter 8—Beware of Relationships that Lead to Discouragement & the Blues (pages 99 to 109)
Again, the above information, has been taken from H. Norman Wright’s book called, Real Solutions for Overcoming Discouragement, Rejection and the Blues. This book has been both helpful and encouraging to me, and I wanted to share these thoughts with you from his book. Hope they have been the same for you! Keep the Fatih!
In Christ I am SHE {Saved. Hopeful. Empowered.}
In Christ I am SHE 