Real Solutions for Overcoming Discouragement, Rejection and the Blues [pt. 2]

Today we will look at “part 2” of Norman Wright’s book, Real Solutions for Overcoming Discouragement, Rejection and the Blues. In “part 1” we looked at Relationship Depression, #1 An Out-of-Balance Relationship and #2 The Rescuing Relationship (link given) https://inchristiamshe.com/2018/07/25/5620/ and today we are going to look at:

3. THE “REFORMING” RELATIONSHIP

Another relationship that fuels relationship depression is one in which the other person is not what you want him or her to be, or what you had hoped for, yet you find yourself thinking, But he had such great potential! You set yourself up for disappointment. And you find yourself holding onto false hope for change.

Remember, you can’t reshape and reconstruct another person to this degree.

I’ve seen people in marriages like this. They end up frustrated, critical, and feeling betrayed and hopelessly trapped. They would beg, plead, shout, and threaten their spouse, but to no avail. Discouragement? It’s a constant companion.

Why do people continue in such relationships?

  • Some people feel called to be reformers.
  • They like to reshape others, or at least try to.
  • In doing so they ease the pain of looking at some of the issues in their own lives.
  • I’ve seen both men and women do this to avoid their own problems.

4. CONTROLLING RELATIONSHIPS

Some controllers and perfectionists are always trying to “help others fulfill their potential.” This makes for a relationship that has low potential—when one person is full of anger and controlling tendencies or is a practicing perfectionist. In a marriage the unpleasantness quotient is quiet high.

Perhaps the person you are in a relationship with isn’t a perfectionist but just a controller. You will probably feel the same pressure with this type of person as you would with a perfectionist.

Both men and women use control to protect themselves from imagined concerns.

  • Their use of concern is part of their survival system.
  • They believe that “the best defense is an offense”—the offensive strategy of staying in control.
  • They live in fear of the results and consequences of not being in control.
  • They’re afraid of rejection, abandonment, hurt, disappointment, and of losing control itself.
  • They may also be addicted to the respect, power, or emotional rush they get from controlling others. (they feed off of control)

Controlling tendencies are an integral part of their personality.

Some have even said, “I know I control. But why not?…” That’s sad. It can destroy people as well as relationships.

You may be thinking, I know a number of relationships and marriages where one of them is a perfectionist or a controller. They’re still together. It’s working for them! But is it? “Staying together” is not the same as having a relationship in which both individuals have the freedom to grow, to be all that God wants them to be, and to be comfortable with each other. If perfectionists or controllers can learn to give up these false bases for security, then growth can occur. But the work needs to begin before marriage.

Real Solutions for Overcoming Discouragement, Rejection and the Blues by H. Norman Wright | Excerpts taken from Chapter 8—page 99 to 109. Beware of Relationships that Lead to Discouragement & the Blue


I Corinthians 5:11 says this,

  • (NASB) “But actually, I wrote to you not to associate with any so-called brother if he is an immoral person, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or a swindler—not even to eat with such a one.”
  • (AMP) “But actually, I have written to you not to associate with any so-called [Christian] brother if he is sexually immoral or greedy, or is an idolater [devoted to anything that takes the place of God], or is a reviler [who insults or slanders or otherwise verbally abuses others], or is a drunkard or a swindler—you must not so much as eat with such a person.”
  • (CEB) “But now I’m writing to you not to associate with anyone who calls themselves “brother” or “sister” who is sexually immoral, greedy, someone who worships false gods, an abusive person, a drunk, or a swindler. Don’t even eat with anyone like this.”

 

From Me to You…

  • If you are the one creating a toxic relationship, you can stop, but not in your own strength. Habits died hard, but with God all things are possible, when through Christ that habit is fought, broken, then replaced.
  • Seek out your pastor, or a godly (same sex) individual in whom you can trust that is grounded in the Word themselves and speak with them about your concerns/your sin. Ask them if they would be willing to help you. But most of all be honest about your own sin before God. Confess your sin before Him and ask—no plead with Him to remove and fill you with Himself so that you may love and treat others the way God would require and desire of you.
  • If you are in a toxic relationship, be in prayer about what the LORD would have of you to do. We must understand something here that ALL verbal, emotional, mental, physical abuse are just that, ABUSE! They are toxic!

If you don’t know where to start, seek out your pastor or a godly (same sex) individual in whom you can trust that is grounded in the Word themselves and speak with them about your concerns that you are seeing and ask them if they would be willing to help you. Most of all, be honest (forthright) about your situation, about yourself, and the person with whom you have a toxic relationship with—don’t exaggerate, don’t sugar coat it, be honest with God, your counselor and yourself.

Toxic relationships are everywhere! In the world and among Christians; within “Christian homes” and within those who do not know Christ. It is wrong. It is SIN! It is against God, against His Word, and against everything God desires/requires for us in becoming like Christ.

We need to start calling toxic relationships what they are, SIN! We need to see it as God sees it and stop justifying our sinful behaviour.

What do you do when you think you are in a toxic relationship?

  1. Be in prayer. I mean serious prayer. I mean, get on your knees, fast and pray and seek the Lord, plead with Him first and foremost for guidance and direction, “God show me what I must do!” The Bible says, when you seek Me (God) you will find me, but we must seek Him–that is doing our part, God will do His part.
  2. As you pray, seek the Lord if there be any sin in you. If He shows you, confess and forsake it. If you need to ask another to forgive you, do so. God is in the business of forgiveness. He loves you! But I must also put a warning here: Be very careful here! Own your own sin. We know we all it, but be very careful, especially in toxic relationships to not be carrying or taking on “false guilt”—in other words, do not own someone else’s sins for them. If you have been sinned against, your abuser needs to come to you and ask for your forgiveness (Matt. 18), not the other way around.
  3. If you are in a toxic—physically abuse relationship, seek safety! I know this can be easier said than done many times, but please, no one has the right to treat you, harm you, handle your temple (your body) with disgrace, degrading humiliation, or use you for self-gratification. If you are being physically harmed, call 9-11. You are God’s. You are a treasure. You are not an object to be used. You are God’s masterpiece created in His image — and that goes for whatever “abuse” you may be facing today!!

Toxic relationships influence us in deep, physcial, spiritual, harmful ways. If not dealt with, we ourselves could repeat the cycle. We always come back to what we know IF we do not replace it with the TRUTHS of God’s Word…always!

This is where finding someone who is grounded in the Word of God will be able to help you through those affects. Believe me, I know. The process is hard, joyful, tear-filled, yet if you are willing it so worth every step in the healing process, from the inside–out. I can tell you (from experience) that when that time comes, forgiveness is given to your abuser, (if possible confronting your abuser), the chains, the weight of bondage that you have been carrying will be lifted off. I remember very well my day — when my bondage came lifting off my shoulders. It was like millions of pounds being lifted off and I was free! Finally free, never to return again! The baggage was his to carry, not mine! He was the offender, not me! I never heard a “please forgive me” but I forgave, never looking or clinging back, and by God’s healing power I am free!

Freedom only comes through Christ!

You can have it! The first step is the hardest.

Side note on taking advice from others:

  • Many folks, even well intended folks, have their opinions, but if I may encourage you in something here—seek the kingdom of God above all else! Opinions, when not grounded in the Word of God, lead to confusion and who is the author of confusion, the devil! Stay away!!!!

Keep your eyes, your mind, your heart, your soul in the Word of God—as many times a day as you need! The Lord will show you if you ask Him! Toxic relationships are no laughing matter—they are a serious issue, and must be taken seriously! Dealt with seriously.

  • Be wise in your outside advisors. Find someone whose soul, mind, eyes, heart is anchored to the Word and God and only sees Christ, not their opinion—and you have found a gem! Opinions will only confuse you. God way is best!
  • Find a church where they preach the Word of God. Where you can get grounded and be helped to get grounded in the Word of God. Join a Bible Study that is a Bible Study — one that studies the Bible and is not a gossip center. When you join a Bible Study you should be learning about the Bible, growing in your understanding of the Bible and when you are done…you should know more of the Bible then when you started; building upon each laying of God’s Word in your life, not opinions.

Remember, You cannot free yourself. You cannot free your toxic relationship. Freedom comes only through Christ.

One last glorious truth: Once you have been freed in Christ you are now in a place, a useable God-place, to be used of God to do whatever He so would require—and many times He slowly gives you others so that you may share your awesome life-God-lessons of freedom with others. It’s called, YOUR STORY! He loves your story and it is precious and special because you have said “yes, Lord!” There are so many out there who need to hear God & you!

Blessings my friends. GOD LOVES YOU!

In Christ I am SHE {Saved. Hopeful. Empowered.}

True Freedom


In Christ I am SHE {Saved. Hopeful. Empowered.}

Church…we ARE Plan A there is no Plan B

3 Simple Reasons why Church is God’s Plan A.

Here are three simple reasons why “church” is GOD’S plan A and there is no plan B in God’s book. Why we must stop kicking and screaming and questioning God’s plan. It is He that is in change. It is HIS salvation gift to us. It is His death that paid the price…NOT OURS!

1. Church is plan A because God tells us NOT to forsake the gathering of ourselves together as believers. This is one of those hot buttons of the day and yes, I am going to talk about it! First, I’d like to say that I am truly sorry if you have been hurt, offended, or even abused in any form by the church as a whole. This is WRONG!! This is not pleasing, honoring, or glorifying to the Lord nor is it not His plan for His church.

But may I ask you a question? Have you ever bought something from a store, like meat, and got home to find out that it was bad? Did it stop you from buying meat for the rest of your life? 

Have you ever had food poisoning from a restaurant? Did that stop you from ever eating out again? Most likely NOT! 

SO…why is it when something “bad” at church happens we lump them all together and vow the mother of all vows that ALL Christians are hypocrites, ALL churches are filled with liars, cheaters, hypocrites, and rotten filthy sinners and we are never going back. 

I want to stop right here. I understand, I know I talk with ladies who have physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually been abused by family members, unbelievers as well as believers. None are right. None should have happened (mine included), but we live in a sin-filled world and we have a choice. Yes, we have a choice even in the midst of our greatest pain, sorrow and trial. Will I use this situation to grow closer to my Heavenly Father or will I take it and grow bitter by the the day.

So often, I see “church” used as an excuse and see bitterness grow by the day and the choice to live in disobedience to God spiral from that one choice! 

The bitterness will take you farther than you ever excepted to go. 

Regardless of what enters of life, we are accountable before Christ. When we use people as an excuses to not obey Christ, we justify our own actions and guilt to make ourselves feel better. 

I have another question to ask you. I am assuming you got over your food poisoning or got over that purchase of “bad meat.” If I opened your refrigerator door, I would find it full or at least part-way full and would come to find out that you have feasted on many meals “outside” of your home. You didn’t grow bitter at the “bad” meat. You didn’t call the store a hypocrite. You didn’t hold a grudge. You didn’t allow bitterness, people, or excuses from stopping you from shopping or eating, did you??!!

So why the double standard? Using people, excuses, our own bitterness and unforgiveness to NOT obey God is sin. If you are a child of God, you are part of plan A…you are not doing your part. You are needed, but you are choicing to missing out on God’s plan A. 

Because Matthew 18 wasn’t practiced like it should have been when the offense happened, sadly, you are hurting yourself, the church, fellow believers, unbelievers, and you are hurting the cause of Christ…for what “bad meat?” That didn’t stop you before!

Reconcile that “bad meat” even if the other party doesn’t want too! Make it right before God on YOUR end!! Go and confront that offense! Seek and be ye reconciled. Forgive.

I speak from experience! I have “abuse” in my background. What kind I will not speak of at this time, but believe me when I tell you, I know! I know what I feels like, how it hurts, the anger, bitterness, the confusion, the spiral effects. But I also know the healing power of God in ones heart and life. I know the comfort and release of walking in obedience to the Father and it is worth it all! I would do it a thousand times over!

It is one of the hardest things you will ever do, but it is one of the most spirit-freeing (bondage releasing) God+you experience you will ever do, because when you walk in trust and obedience, God blesses! You NEVER go wrong walking in obedience to Christ….NEVER!

Hebrews 10:25

2. The very second you accepted Christ as your personal Savior, He gave you at least one spiritual gift, at least one. You may have more! Do you know your spiritual gift or gifts? Do you know God wants that gift or gifts to be used? Yeppers, you guessed it! For Him, for His Glory in His Church! 

I hear the question already, can you use your God-given gift in other places? Sure! But the primary place is where He wants, within His Church. Again, this is not our plan or trying to make our plan work…this is God’s plan. We either obey and do or not!

I Peter 4:10-11

3. Church is Plan A because it is the only plan! We are to be proclaiming, mouthpieces, ambassadors, of what and who God is and what He has done for us to everyone soul we come in contact with. To fail to accomplish the great commission is to live in disobedience to Christ. 

Matthew 28:18-20

  • The bottom line is this: God’s Word is clear. The choice is in your hands…your heart.
  • How will you choose to walk before the very God who gave you your eternal life? 

In Christ I am SHE {Saved. Hopeful. Empowered.}

Eyesight Matters


This past week I read through a 5-day devotional on “Who Am I” — Our Identity in Christ. Though the author had made some very good points throughout the week, one was very faulted. At first it hit me softly. Truthfully, it kind of bugged me, but I really didn’t know why because it ‘sounded’ good. The more I thought — the more bugged I became, so finally I asked my husband what his thoughts were. Sure enough…it was biblically wrong.

We must be ever so careful that what we read is biblical. It doesn’t mean we need to stick our heads in the sand, but we need to make sure that what we are in-taking lines up with Scripture. Our mind, heart, soul should be saying to self, “If that’s what God said — that settles it!” Quiet frankly we don’t have to get it…because HE DOES, [that is not a requirement for obedience] and that [should be] okay with me!

Friends, it’s Monday. [HAPPY MONDAY!!!!!]  May you have a beautiful, GOD-centered, CHRIST-focused week. May you share what HE has done in YOU with at least one person this week — how can we not? God has done so much for us. Take a few moments and read Ephesians 1:3-14. Oh, how I have been soooooooooo utterly humbled, put in awe, sorrowed in my soul at seeing who I am, convicted and yet beyond words of thankfulness for being a child of God. I have fallen on my face this week [being honest here] confessions of sinful pride of wanting more, of my ‘ideals’ and my sin — and truthfully not being satisfied with the incredible grace of God itself, which I do not deserve — because if that is all I had, that would be MORE than enough!

I am full. I am bountiful. I got off the throne.

In Christ I am SHE {Saved. Hopeful. Empowered.}

Did some God-Running

 

Couple days ago, I was reading I Samuel chapter 1 in my personal devotions. Since then my heart has been impacted and so impressed by Hannah’s own personal walk with God, specifically seen through her prayer. I have read Hannah’s story many times before in the past, but this time was different.

Through Hannah’s example, I want to instill within my own heart and live before my Lord from within and without in such trust. So, in many ways, I am really writing to myself and sharing it with you, so thanks my friends for listening. Our Lord is so wonderful and timely.

When reading Hannah’s story in the past I remember understanding it, feeling her pain (more so as a married adult), understanding she was ridiculed by those from within her very home and seeing her being mistaken for a woman who was drunk instead of being intensely sorrowful in pray before her Lord by the priest, and so on. If you know her story, you know what I mean.

But reading through her prayer this time it has gripped my heart for it is far more than what meets the eye. Yes, she was asking the Lord for a son and then in the same sentence giving him back to God, but what I have missed many times before is Hannah’s heart (I Samuel 1:10-11).

As I started to think about this prayer that came so humbly yet truthfully from her heart, I began to think, what kind of woman asks God for a son (who has no children – remember her circumstances here) and then in the same sentence says, “…then I will give him unto the LORD all the days of his life…” (I Samuel 1:11) Think of it.

I know, personally speaking, we have gone through some tough waters as a couple and as a family. I can imagine that you have too. Life is good and filled with many blessings from the Lord, but life can also be very challenging and hard at times – so much so that we cannot even speak the words in prayer. We groan. Been there? When this happens, the Spirit speaks for us and makes intercession for us – I don’t know about you, but this give me goosebumps! (Thank you, LORD!)

This is where Hannah was. She was groaning. Her pain was intensely deep. Humanly speaking many would probably say Hannah would have been justified in being bitter over her plot in life. She was barren. Everyone around her knew it. In that day being barren was considered a curse from Lord. Now her husband loved her, but he did have another wife; her name was, Peninnah. Now Peninnah wasn’t the nicest lady to be cohabitating with for she was fruitful, multiplying and making sure Hannah felt every dig, every sarcasm, and every hairy eye she made!

Those who have walked the valley of grief (which comes in many forms) know there are stages. My husband and I like to call them “waves” because that’s what it feels like. We can say God is bigger than any situation, but living that out is another.

It is true, God is bigger that ANY situation we find ourselves in, but there is a choice on our end that must be made in each situation or circumstance we find ourselves in: To walk with God or without God.

I know that may sound very trite, but to be very frank it is everything! Without God, I don’t want to even think about how horrible it would be, but I can tell you first hand that with God – with God, the impossible is possible! It is still a process that you must walk through, but His strength and most of all His comfort is far more than I could ever describe on paper (that is another story for another day). It is deeper than the ocean, sweet, gentle yet strong and very VERY tender to your broken heart!     

Hannah chose God. She chose to humble herself under the mighty hand of God and His plan for her life whether she understood that plan or not. When found that day in the temple and thought to be “drunk” it was her broken heart speaking to the Lord. Her hurts. Her pains. Her fears.

Her prayer that day could have been much different. She could have prayed for God to shut Peninnah’s mouth or close her womb. She could have prayed that the ridicule and humiliation would stop, but instead she asked God to change HER! Wow! She approached God with humbleness and confidence in trust including her pain and lack of understanding why to trust – not in self but trust GOD! Hannah is an incredible example of ‘better’ over ‘bitter.’

That prayer in the temple was life altering for Hannah. What a glorious day it would be if we, like Hannah, choose God’s freedom over bondage. 

I will never look at Hannah the same again. Her heart was revealed that day for all generations to see. May I follow her godly example.

To you my friend, if your soul is beaten, hurting, looking for something or wondering, take it to the ONE who truly cares for you – GOD! Allow Him to pick you up, heal your soul, set you free from whatever it is that has you bond and may you experience the inward blessings that only God can fulfill. He desires this for you!

Thankful Hannah ran to God!

I did some running to God myself this week! I don’t want to be bond but free in Christ!

He is always there!

God keeps His promises!